Lily in Christmas scarfShe lay there gasping for air. Surrounded by love. The undying love we had for Lily.
The memories of her crying and clawing to get out of the carrier two days before. A haunting reminder, although watching her die was less painful. Never could have let her down by taking the easy way out.
Oh, they wanted me to euthanize her. Claiming that she was starving to death. No kidding, she had been wasting away for over a year now, and they did nothing to help.
Lily knew enough to know she did not want to go back to the vet. She had never cried and protested so much in the past. There is no way I could let her down in her last hours.
The last 50 hours we spent with her were rewarding for all of us. It put closure to both of us and Lucy.
Some may say it was cruel to let her suffer. This time I cannot agree. It is a process of life. If she was crying in pain, yes being euthanized would make sense.
At the vet’s office she was curled up in her bed on the exam table. I put my head down over her 3 times and each time she started to purr. There is no way I could end her life, when she still knew what was happening.
I look back on the last 2 hours and wish I had breathed into her when she had labored breathing. It may have relieved her. Don’t know. But I have had cats that have taken their last breaths and it was just slower breathing at the end.
At 5 years old, it seemed so devastating, so unnecessary. It is hard to get over the young ones. An indoor only cat, not one that lived with the dangers of outside.
Brokenhearted. An overwhelming feeling of failure. She trusted me to keep her safe. Yet, here I lay to rest a 5-year-old chocolate point Siamese.
I look back on all that went wrong and so much I have discovered after her death. If I had known earlier the many things I finally found lurking on websites, just there for the taking, she may still be with me. The laughter she brought to our home has vanished.
She was nicknamed ‘The Flying Squirrel’ for her love for reaching for the highest point possible and her daring escapades. If it was there; it surely needed to be investigated. Not a care on her part that curiosity might end in injury.
With sorrow I push on and embrace Lucy. With a promise to do my utmost to keep her healthy and safe. Lucy brings to the table a newfound sense of humor to the home. With her new vocabulary filling the silence. She has no one else to speak for her, so she has upped her game in being cute.
It has been 9 months since Lily has been gone. (May 8, 2025) Not sure if you ever really get over the ones that were snatched away too young. And do you really get over the guilt of wondering ‘What If’?
And it leaves me with information that arrived too late. Would have the book written by Dr. Kris Chandroo called Nine Lives, One Mission been the answer or maybe the course on CKD that he has created? Learning the numbers and how to read and understand lab results that are in constant flux can be frustrating and futile. Yet, she is gone and I can’t change the outcome as it all came too late. Therein lies the void that I painfully visit from time to time. I woke up from a dream on would have been her 6th birthday (March 1st), to packing her into the living room. I felt the warmth of her body and felt her soft fur, as if she was still alive. Only to awake and realize it was just a dream.
Note: This has been the end journey of kidney failure. To read more on the subject see the links below.
Heartbreak of Kidney Failure a Year Long Trauma
How Do You Heal from Pet Loss?
FVRCP Vaccine in Cats: How Much Is Enough?
Kidney Failure in Cats: Diet, Muscle Loss, and the Soy Question
Hope in Early-Stage Kidney Disease: Rethinking “Irreversible” in Cats
Teeth, Kidneys, and Timing: When Feline Health Becomes a Catch-22